An open letter to grocery store patrons

Understand, the complaints I have about folks at the grocery store are not fundamentally different than the complaints I have about people in general. Some of the specifics are unique to my weekly sojourn to the cramped aisles, but in general, there's nothing that happens here that doesn't happen anywhere else. The thing is, at least in my case, the annoyance I experience at the grocery store in the most consistent. It's every week. It's not uncommon for me to drive to or from work and not encounter some total jackass driver along my route. It's not uncommon for me to go through a work day without getting some question, request, whatever, that makes me shake my head and wonder if some people ever think. It's not uncommon for me to go through the day and not encounter some person displaying complete selfishness and a total disregard for how his/her own actions affect others. But I can not make my weekly trip to the grocery store without some of you exhibiting some of the stupidity I'm about to describe.

First of all, let me get to a parking spot. I understand that, in order for you to tote your South Beach Diet pizzas and fat free ranch dressing to your car, you need to walk in generally the same space in which I drive. Here's the thing, though - you don't need to walk down the middle of the path. Cars do not jump out and bite. I promise you, you will not find a single documented case of anyone being injured in such a manner. When you walk down the middle, I'm stuck driving at the speed you're moving. Or, more accurately, the speed of your slow-ass kid who, by this point, is invariably pouting and dragging because the register-side tantrum did not produce the candy bar (s)he was begging (...and crying... and screaming) for --- if I'm not having to dodge the little freakin' pinball, due to the sugar rush because you gave in and ponied up for a Zagnut. I know this is a tough concept for you all to grasp, but we are sharing this space. More on that later.

OK, it's later. I'm inside the store now, and though you were outside filling up durn near 15% of the cargo space in your Expedition in the last paragraph, you're now magically inside the store with me. I know you can't comprehend such a thing. Don't forget, I'm the one who pointed out that you don't grasp the much simpler concept of sharing space just a handful of sentences ago. (And yes, I know that you already forgot.) Notice how, when you're walking down the aisle, there's stuff on both the right and the left that's pretty close to you? That's because the aisles are not extremely wide. So, when you park your cart right smack dab in the middle, you're not leaving room for anyone to get past you. There are other people here, you know. (Do you?) And some of us would like to go about our task without having to work around the meeting of your family's Permanent Sub-Committee on Rotelle vs. Farfalle. And if, by some miracle, some other shopper does manage to stop a cart over to one side of the aisle, do you think you could manage to stop your cart somewhere other than right freaking next to it?!? I realize that may require something along the lines of 5 extra steps to stop your cart, a like number to return to the product of your choice, then 5 extra yet again to return to your cart. You can count it as a workout. It's really not a very difficult concept that I'm trying to put across here. Leave room for people to move.

Here's the other thing (and again, it's not like this only happens at the grocery store, but I find it to be a particular annoyance there): your children are idiots. That, in and of itself, is not your fault. It's standard. All children are idiots. I was, you were, even Stephen Hawking was for at least the first decade (of his life, not the first ten years after the Big Bang). What is your fault is when you don't take that fact into account and act appropriately. Or, to put it more simply, pay some goddamn attention to your kids. In fact, not only should you pay some attention, you should exert some control. I realize this is a completely foreign concept to many of you, but I have done some extensive research on the subject, and I am able, from an authoritative standing, to assure you that throughout history and across cultures, it has not been out of the ordinary for parents to set and maintain appropriate boundaries for their children's behavior. Some folks have been blessed with such parental dexterity, they have managed multiple sets of boundaries - a more liberal one instituted amongst family and close friends, and a stricter one in place when one is in public. I can also speak from a standpoint of knowledge when I tell you that, left to their own devices, your idiot kids will be a complete nuisance: getting in the way of people's carts, getting in the way of people trying to get items off the shelves, running, yelling, dropping (or throwing) things, and for crying out glaven, I don't even want to think about what happens when they get around the free sample display unattended. We're not at a playground, and we're not at your house. We are out in public at a place of business, and it is not at all appropriate for you to let your little howler monkeys and screech owls behave as if they were in one of the aforementioned locations.

I realize that this is a lost cause. I almost said that I'm fighting a losing battle, but I'm not really fighting. It's pointless. The vast majority of you are too far gone. I've said my piece, and gotten it off my chest, which is all I really wanted. And you know what? I feel a little better for having done so.




Until Saturday.